Sustainable Marriage

I read an article from the New York Times last night.

It basically states that a relationship based on self-fulfillment and self-expansion is more sustainable than a relationship in which both partners are sacrificing for the good of The Relationship.

This is rather interesting, if not a bit jarring, for me. I often consider The Relationship as an entity separate from my husband's and my own aspirations and desires. I often think about how it is better for The Relationship if we are both less self-absorbed and more partner-focused, with a goal of ultimately striking some kind of happy equilibrium between the two. Yet here is this notion that "a happy marriage is a 'me' marriage." Whoa, there!!! That sounds like it's breaking every law of relationships! I have seen more than a few marriages end because one or both partners were too self-absorbed to focus on The Relationship they share. I have become painfully aware, through watching the destruction of one marriage after another, not at the hands of self-preservation, but at the hands of self-centrism, that looking out for Numero Uno is detrimental to sharing your life with someone else. How can someone possibly say that a me-centered marriage makes a marriage more sustainable? The author agrees that this is counter intuitive.

The fact is, marriage is in a state of transition. The whole matrimonial concept is rather plastic right now and the old justifications of this institution simply don't hold up in today's society. Marriage has always been about economics and the social order. A father gave up his property to a man in exchange for a dowry. Out of this trade, the father gains some goods or money and the man gains a wife, a symbol of status, and with any luck, someone to pop out some helping hands around the homestead or an heir (depending on status). That's not to say there wasn't any love or affection in these marriages. But those things were after-thoughts. Happy by-products at best.

While it seems that this marital construct has long since past, there are still remnants of it effecting relationships today. There are a great many wives who feel it is their God-given duty to submit to their husbands. Prospective husbands still ask for the permission of the woman's father to wed, and the father still gives his daughter away. Old institutions die hard. So, while it may seem as if we have completely abandoned this archaic system, it is still a part of our psyche, but that doesn't mean it has to stay that way. Our needs have changed. What is important to us now has changed. For the most part, marriage is not about social pressures and economic security. What is important now is being emotionally and intellectually fulfilled. That's it. If you do not feel fulfilled, how can you possibly be happy? And let's face it, unhappiness in your relationship is a big deal. A huge deal. If you can't be happy with your life partner, how can you be happy? And simply sticking it out for the kids, or for appearances, or for convenience, or for any reason will only result in more unhappiness, distress, resentment. Something has to give.

However, this is obviously not free license to be completely self-absorbed, doing whatever you want with little regard for your partner or The Relationship. I still hold to the fact that a marriage is a partnership and, like any partnership, it takes a lot of hard work and compromise if it is going to be lasting and successful. It is still imperative to consider your partner's happiness as much as it is imperative to consider your own. In the best of situations, your happiness and that of your spouse will be interdependent. In a sustainable marriage, one gains joy and fulfillment by supporting the other and helping him or her to succeed. In a sustainable marriage, you will both work to lift each other up, and help one another in achieving goals. You will inspire each other to learn new things about yourselves and life in general. If it is truly a sustainable marriage, it is not just a "me marriage" (although, perhaps there is more room and more need for self-expansion then ever before) bit it will be both individual and collaborative. Over time, your life together may fall into a comfortable routine, but if it is a sustainable marriage, it should never be boring. Or draining. Or unfulfilling.

Curious about how your relationship stacks up? Check out this quiz which may help to give you some insight.